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A step into my looking glass. [entries|friends|calendar]

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Alright [29 Oct 2009|12:02pm]
... So "if you can be with the one you love, then love the one you're with". It's from Reaper, the devil says it, and I didn't think it was bad.

I'm going to go to college in westchester county. Take an anatomy course, pharmacology and hopefully microbiology. I want to sign up Brandon for Little League.
I'm coming home, and by home, I mean California, in a little more than a month and a half, which is awesome.
Also, the question of marriage has come up, and I'm pondering over it.
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I'm missing a bookmark [27 Oct 2009|06:10pm]
I want you to read my mind. I don't want to have to tell you. I think I need to see a shrink... I've become so irritable, that's it's making me feel like I should sleep in the bathtub and never leave.
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[25 Oct 2009|04:03pm]
[ mood | blah ]

i wish happiness was a smile away.

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[25 May 2009|08:40pm]
Having recently sat in my room watching sports i'd like to say

this is better than sports to me.
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[22 May 2009|01:18pm]
[ mood | drained ]

I'm tired of putting effort in nothing. i wish happiness was a smile away

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[22 May 2009|01:17pm]
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I think perhaps... [15 May 2009|09:37am]
[ mood | blah ]

This relationship isn't one for me to think so intensely about. I was planning to move in with Eric in the beginning of June after my semester ends and the custody thing works itself out, but, I don't think that may be the best idea anymore.
He makes me really happy, he left yesterday, and honestly, it was really hard for me to keep face around his friends.
But the thing is, I think I'm too insecure, and what's more, I don't think trust has been established between us.

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so.... [31 Mar 2009|06:40pm]
[ mood | relaxed ]

when you're in love with someone completely, and it doesn't seem to be working and you've done everything you can imagine to make it work, when do you call it quits, when is enough, enough?

the answer is simple... never.

The Mexican people with Brad Pitt and Julia Roberts

Simply put. If you truly love someone you can't stop trying, because if you love them, its worth it, or at least if you loved them completely, everything should be worth it.

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I'm kinda sad [30 Mar 2009|03:50pm]
[ mood | sad ]

I want to just curl up in bed and stay there forever and just cry... shh... don't tell anyone it's a secret.

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[24 Mar 2009|04:49pm]
So i registered for the phlebotomy course starting in May. I feel really good about my performance this semester, which is great. Brandon is playing soccer, and I think that's great because I do see that he has a problem socializing with kids. I want to think positively, the "what ifs" are not good for me.
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O.o [22 Mar 2009|09:33pm]
[ mood | confused ]

I feel like I just realized I missed my exit. I don't know if I should go back, or just keep going...

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poll taking time [22 Mar 2009|11:06am]
[ mood | pensive ]

Should people be married before living with one another?

View Results
Create a LiveJournal Poll

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*sigh* [21 Mar 2009|09:12pm]
[ mood | rejected ]

I feel overwhelmed by the future, and for some reason, I can't help but think of the past.
I feel really lost.

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[10 Mar 2009|10:23pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

To be perfectly honest. I don't believe I deserve people's love because I don't feel as if I'm good enough.

I don't mind being a stepping stone. I think that I appreciate the period of time I'm apart of someone's life. Another thing that I've come to realize, is even if some of the people I have been with didn't treat me right. They all did truly love me.
In order for me to actually have a positive relationship, I need to quit being a fatalist. I also can't expect someone to want to be with me forever though. Not everyone enjoys the idea of the ball and chain. lol.
...life. It really doesn't have to be as difficult as I make it, does it.

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boobs [09 Mar 2009|05:19pm]
[ mood | drained ]

I need to let a lot of things go. I have carry a lot of guilt with me, I need to just understand I can't change the past. I think I'm down. I'm going to take a nap though. I don't to dive into depressing self-thought.

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i wish i was younger [25 Feb 2009|09:00pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

So I could run away.
I want to lay in bed and just becoming apart of the dust that fills the world.
I wish we were together.
So I felt like I existed.
I just feel like I'm going through the motions of living, and honestly, it sucks.

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i heard this... [21 Feb 2009|08:22pm]
[ mood | complacent ]

I hope that our few remaining friends
Give up on trying to save us
I hope we come up with a fail safe plot
To piss off the dumb few that forgave us
I hope the fences we mended
Fall down beneath their own weight
And I hope we hang on past the last exit
I hope it's already too late
And I hope the junkyard a few blocks from here
Someday burns down
And I hope the rising black smoke carries me far away
And I never come back to this town
Again in my life
I hope I lie
And tell everyone you were a good wife
And I hope you die
I hope we both die

I hope I cut myself shaving tomorrow
I hope it bleeds all day long
Our friends say it's darkest before the sun rises
We're pretty sure they're all wrong
I hope it stays dark forever
I hope the worst isn't over
And I hope you blink before I do
Yeah I hope I never get sober
And I hope when you think of me years down the line
You can't find one good thing to say
And I'd hope that if I found the strength to walk out
You'd stay the hell out of my way
I am drowning
There is no sign of land
You are coming down with me
Hand in unlovable hand
And I hope you die
I hope we both die

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hmm.... [20 Feb 2009|12:16am]
[ mood | discontent ]

I think I jumped into this way too fast. Head first it seems. Some hope that things would be better. That this relationship would be better than all the rest, because I would have better communication. I wouldn't feel like my body isn't the only thing I had to offer.

Our interests seem limited. Our values seem to be the same, which I guess is an upside.
I think that perhaps he likes the idea of me. The idea of having a girlfriend, a sense of security, that he isn't alone. But then again, I don't really think he minds solitude.
Although, I don't agree. He thinks I'm beautiful.
I don't think I like that he finds that one of the things he likes most about me.
I'm not, and that's okay. I like that I don't look like a model.

My car has been in the shop for 1 1/2 now. The mechanic has been telling me that he's sick and has been really busy. But I don't just give people $850 to spend on themselves. I don't have the money to blow.
Sometimes, I think that I should pretend that I'm single. So perhaps I focus more on me, and progressing as a person. He lives across the country, I shouldn't think about him so frequently. It's only depressing, because I don't feel that our "relationship" is that substantial in his life right now.
Which is really understandable, I mean. He's young, in college, and he has a list of things that might supersede my place in his life.

Note to self: Long distance relationships suck monkey balls. Seeing people once a month to once every three months, to more... it's bleak. It really is.

What can I say, I like hugs. I have bad days and want a shoulder to cry on. I want someone to cuddle up and watch a movie with me.
I really do want this though. He makes me really happy. If I want this to work I need to accept that sacrifices must be made in order to achieve happiness. Even if that isn't the ultimate end to the fairy tale, at least it was a nice run while it lasted.

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... [09 Feb 2009|07:21pm]
I think one day I want to get married. Just a thought.
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what is playing hard to get [03 Feb 2009|05:34pm]
really if you want me then you do, if not then that's cool too. the need for games cat and mouse, it's really a waste of time in my opinion.
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